Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Quiet Desperation, Indiana, and The Fourth

Let me start with the most important of the things in my title: the fourth!!! Happy fourth of July. This marks the middle of our summer, more or less. More importantly, it marks the symbol of the birth of our nation (because everyone knows that nothing all that important happened on the 4th in 1776, but we can pretend for the sake of all those that don't!). A nation that for better or for worse has been at the head of this ship called Earth. May we take this day to reconsider what it means to be an American, but more importantly, to be human.

Next most important (look at me using my communication skills, Dave! :) ), Indiana. I'm going away to Indiana for the next four days with my mom to visit my grandmother. I might not have much of a stable internet connection, so if I don't, I look forward to seeing everyone when I come back. I know Chi will keep on running without me. Will I keep on running without Chi? Most probably.

Now, the least important topic. I've been suffering from a major case of "quiet desperation," to quote my good buddy Henry David. It started right with summer. Well, almost. It started more after the first week had passed and I thought, 'Hm, what have I accomplished?' That single, simple question has haunted me for the past two weeks (wow, it's only been two weeks? It seems so much longer?!) Hm, more importantly, I still have 7 weeks left of summer. I think, unless I'm making some gross miscalculation of my day counting.

Well, that by itself lifts the quiet desperation a bit. I thought I'd blown my entire summer! It still doesn't fix the fact that I need to find something to do with this summer that makes me feel like I didn't fiddle it away. A job's off the table: I've more or less given up searching. I'm sure I could get a job if I really tried (I'll flatter myself that), but I don't really think it's worth it anymore. I'll just wait until Spring Break of Freshman year.

The solution I've come up with to deal with my "quiet desperation" is to realize that I don't have to do anything. This isn't a new idea. I've had it many times before. I'm sure I'll forget it and realize it many more times. The point is, everything I do is by choice. And in the summer, I just have a lot more choices. I've been turning that into "I have a lot I have to do!" instead of realizing it means I don't have to do anything. In fact, I could just spend this entire summer playing video games or reading beach books. That's how I spent most of my summers before 10th grade. That doesn't fill me up anymore. But that doesn't mean I have to do everything! I can choose. One or two things. Do them well. And then move on.

I don't think I can express how much freedom this gives me. I honestly feel like a 10 ton weight has been lifted off my chest.

Well, once again, enjoy the fourth. Watch some fireworks! Enjoy the next week without me! Peace and quiet! :)

Namaste.

1 comment:

Tallxcrunner said...

blah... accepting the fact that you don't have to do anything isn't how you follow your dreams! Gotta find a good hobby.