Relationships

There seems to be a wave of serendipity coursing through the interweb, because just before I could get to it, Dave decided to write on relationships. Interesting. Of course, I have no proof that I intended to blog on this topic, but that doesn't really matter. It's still cool.

As of late, I've been doing a lot of self-inquiry into why I do the things I do. This all started with the simple but powerful question, "What is my purpose?" According to an exercise on StevePavlina.com, I'm supposed to do this until I find a response that makes me cry. Didn't quite get that far, but in the process I came across an interesting discovery: I know why I've never had anything even close to a non-platonic (read romantic / "going out") relationship.

It's quite simple really. Other than the simple fact that I've been exhibitting more or less introverted tendencies since a young age, there are two main factors that have gotten in my way. One is a fear of committment, or more specifically, a fear of loss of independence (or the rise of dependence) and the other is a general unwillingness to put in / ignorance of the amount of work necessary to truly make a real relationship work.

The dependence issue is easy. I'm a loner. I've always been the kid in the corner that the extroverts decided it would be fun to see if they could get to talk. I like doing things on my own, being on my own. Well, I used to. Luckily, as of late, I've definitely learned to love being with other people, and I have a blast whenever I get to hang out with my friends. But the same general desire to just sit by myself, learn, invent, and create has stayed with me throughout all of this. That's a definite hindrance to any sort of relationship, especially a non-platonic one.

The whole ignorance regarding the amount of work and unwillingness to put in that work in terms of relationships has also been a major and until now hidden hindrance to my ever having a non-platonic relationship (NPR... hahaha). When I look at other couples (because as I was reminded Thursday, I don't actually have any experience being in one :)), it all just seems so effortless. What I don't see is all the behind the scene stuff that makes it all work. It's as if I just see the seed put in the ground and then the flower eventually blossom. What I don't see is all the rain, sun, and other "deeds" that must go into the act of creating the beautiful flower. I guess I just assumed that if I ever found that special someone, it would all fall into place. Not to say that doesn't happen. Just that it is much more likely not to happen.

Well, that was a long winded way of saying I've been tripping myself up over the years (though admittedly I've only started thinking about this sort of thing since about 8th grade) in terms of NPR. After all that, I still don't know if I really want one. I mean, sure, I have crushes and such, and those are fun, but they rarely (for me at least) turn into anything. Why? Because of the reasons listed above. I'm too scared and too lazy.

Hah. Funny stuff. Yeah, I don't know how this all came to me, but it's really lovely to know. Now, should I ever decide to put forward the real effort, I'll know what obstacles to remove from my path. And in the meantime, I'll just keep going where the wind blows me and see what happens. Thus far, it's definitely taken me to some intersting places.

Good luck in all your relationships (platonic, non-platonic, and otherwise).

Namaste.