Thoughts And Stuff

How can I put this? As of late, I've felt very - inauthentic. Not real. Fake. As if I'm not living my real life. As if I'm not living fully.

Sounds weird. I think I can blame most of this feeling on all the random busy work I've had to do. You know, things like college apps, Hi-Q, English, and other random miscellanea. Things that I just don't feel are important. At the same time, pay to Caesar what is Caesar's and to [name] what is [name]'s. In this world, there are certain things that I "have" to do. That's just the way the relative world works. Spin, spin, spin.

How do I want to feel? Let's use a poem:

My mind is not busy with desires, Lord,
and my heart has satisfied its longings.
I do not care about religion
or anything that is not you.
I have soothed and quieted my soul,
like a child at its mother's breast.
My soul is as peaceful as a child
sleeping in its mother's arms. (Psalm 131)

To feel like that. Settled. Not going "anyway the wind blows." What I'd give for that. For peace of mind.

But that doesn't seem to be my karma. It's just not the way I work. My mind is like a freaking monkey, jumping from one tree (thought) to another.

Eh, just felt like bitching. Don't worry, this "problem" isn't all that big. Well, not to anyone that isn't me. To everyone else, my "inauthenticity" isn't all that important. But since this blog is called Ruminations, I figured I'd ruminate.

Namaste.