Sunday, May 21, 2006

Lost and Not Yet Found

Note: This post is mainly in reference to my internal state and is purely esoteric in nature. Therefore, have no fear, I'll be perfectly normal and chipper tomorrow. Well, "I" will be. :)

I feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me. Literally, as if I'm suddenly standing on nothing, but only after firmly believing I was on solid ground. A great deal of this feeling must have to do with all my endeavors in personal growth. I've felt as if pushing my boundaries internally and externally would suddenly make the boundaries disappear. I felt as if I really understood both halves of the Two Truth Doctrine.

Now I realize I was sadly mistaken.

Just because I've read about Absolute reality doesn't mean I know it. Just because I've heard about what it really means to be Awake doesn't mean I am. And just because I'm searching for this truth doesn't make it knowable.

I feel like the last few months of my life have been a joke. I've been pursuing nothing, and have found something in return. I haven't found the big Nothing, the only Nothing that matters: emptiness.

The pain of knowing that I don't know is crushing the little I. The i that doesn't know. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorannce is a bitch.

I think I'd be over dramatizing this feeling if I were to call it a Dark Night of the Soul. I just feel so disconnected from what I was originally looking for. I don't know where it is. I don't know WHAT it is.

Lost in samsara. Figures. It's just when you think you've found the ground that it disappears.

Savoring Samsara by Stuart Davis

It's a big wet dream
spilling semen
into phantoms
A big wet dream
spilling semen
into phantoms

How long till the orgies over?
Where's the wine that makes me sober?

I'm savoring Samsara
even though the candy's hollow
It's all on my tongue
but there's nothing here to swallow
I know all these flavors
keep me here in Hades
but it tastes so good
I keep incarnating

There's a million ways
of licking honey
off of razors
A million ways
of licking honey
off of razors

Some sugar hides its price
and every lick's another life

(Refrain)

It's in my lap
It's in my lap
Heaven's in my lap
But where is that?
Where is that?
Wherever I'm from
this place is bubble gum

Bubble gum
Bubble gum
Bubble gum
I'm savoring Samsara
Bubble gum

1 comment:

Tallxcrunner said...

Ahh yes... I bet that was fun. The worst thing you can do is think you know, then discover that you don't.

Well... maybe not. But it helps to be adaptable. But anyway, it also helps to release sometimes too. Like going to the beach....ahem, lol

see you tomorrow buddy