Start Where You Are

I'm trying to live more and more by the axiom of 'start where you are.' I guess this comes as a direct result of my earlier post on the "I could totally be great at that" effect. The antidote to that sort of thinking is to start where you are.

Add to that some humility. Because when you start where you are, you're going to realize how far you have to go to get where you're going. But that's okay. Because if where you're going is someplace worth the trip, then the journey itself should be enjoyable.

Okay, so maybe this isn't the most ground-breaking idea to hit the blogosphere in the last year. But for me, it's revolutionary [for now at least, until my mind picks something else revolutionary and decides to put this idea in the trash can recycling bin].

Let me give you an example. Over the past year, I've been running on and off. I hit my peak in about October, when I could easily run for an hour and half [okay, maybe not easily] and had a PR of 36 minutes for my 8k time. Flash forward five months: now I can barely run for more than 30 minutes on a treadmill at a 8 min/mile pace, and god forbid you asked me to run for an hour. Quite the striking difference.

I've been letting that difference get in the way of getting back on the horse. If I used to be that good [which, admittedly, in the running world is pretty mediocre], what's the point of even running now?

The point of running is running. Whether I can only run for a minute or for an hour. So, starting yesterday, I decided I would run every day for the next month for 30 minutes. And by that, I mean I'll set the timer on my watch for 30 minute, and then head to the track. I'll run until I feel like walking. I'll time how long I run for. And then each time, I'll try and run for a longer period of time. When I reach the point of running for 30 minutes straight, I'll up the time by five minutes. When I can run for an hour straight [hopefully at that point I'll be running on the trail], I'll start phasing in interval workouts. And then slowly, minute of running by minute of running, I'll get back to where I was five months ago. And then go beyond it.

It helps to know that XC season is only five months away. It took me five months to drop from my peak. It should take me less time to get to that ridge. Only, of course, to realize that there's so much more up left to go. And when I reach that point, I'll be able to slowly improve my time.

In that sense, running really is a pretty decent metaphor for life [okay, just about everything is a good metaphor for life, but give me some poetic license]. You just have to keep showing up. It doesn't especially matter what you turn out. The individual efforts don't matter [sounds reminiscent of evolution -- individuals don't evolve, species do!]. It's the slow arc over time that does.

That applies to all activities. I just happen to need it the most in running. I look forward to freely running through Chi in two months. Totally relaxed. With free breathing.

I can smell the Marcus Hook air already. ;)

A [Non-Poetic] Ode to Chemistry -or- How I came to love Organic

I'm a chemistry major. Therefore, I should like all things chemically related, right? Well, I came to find out that at the beginning of this semester, I really didn't "like" organic chemistry ['o chem' for short]. It didn't help that the semester started off going over stuff I'd already learned so well in high school [I mean, who CAN'T name organics after having Mr. Orlando?]. So, I didn't really notice when the transition to new material happened. So I made the mistake of assuming I knew everything, and got my ass handed to me on the first test. The funniest part is, the section of the test I did the worst on involved math [relative reactivities, to be more precise].

I decided that no matter what, I would do better on the second test [we only have three tests and a final, so I figured that if I wanted to eek out {note: yeah, I'm being a little melodramatic to add some pizzaz} an A, I might want to do better than an A- on the easiest test]. So, I studied my ass off, more so than I probably have for any other test since, well, ever. I really overstudied, but that's not anything to complain about.

The test covered stereochemistry [basically, how molecules are oriented in 3D space. Think of molecular models, but on crack], substitution reactions [where you pull off one atom/molecule and put on another], elimination reactions [like the name suggests, you eliminate a molecule/atom and put a double bond in its place], and alkenes [you don't really need me to explain that one, do you?]. Stereochemistry was probably the hardest, but most rewarding, part of the material. I flat out have not built the skill set to visualize models in my mind. But with a great deal of practice and a few 2D tricks, I managed to pull it off. Substitution and elimination reactions just require the learning of a few basic rules [like what makes a good reactant, leaving group, etc.] based on a few simple theories [electronegativity, resonance stabilization, etc.]. All of this just requires practice, practice, practice.

And here's where the interesting part comes in [you've been waiting for that, haven't you?]. I started to LIKE organic after this test. All the different reactions, the ways of writing out three dimensional molecules, all of it, started to seem like this fun little game that you can play. The lingo of Organic Chemists [like 'attack the backside'] started to sound not only funny, but more importantly FASCINATING.

The transformation in interest happened when I realized that I shouldn't treat o chem like general chemistry [gen chem]. Gen chem is a lot of math [stoichiometry, gas laws, thermodynamics, electrochemistry, etc.] wrapped around a few simple theories. O chem is a few simple theories wrapped around a whole lot of practical applications. One isn't the other. And they shouldn't have to be.

Chemistry really does come in so many different flavors: there's Physical Chemistry [p chem] for the mathematically inclined, o chem for the geometer / synthesizer, inorganic chemistry [no nifty abbreviations for that one that I know of] for the, well, someone that likes metals a lot, analytical chemistry for those that like fiddling with instruments, and bio chemistry for those interested in how life works. And they all combine into this beautiful whole known as 'chemistry'. There's room for just about everyone in the field. It's sad that you don't find out about all the OTHER types of chemistry until it's really too late. 'I don't get what this mole thing is... Man, chemistry must just not be for me... In fact, since I don't get it, I HATE it. Yeah, that's right, I hate chemistry, it's so stupid!' What a strange progression from 'I don't quite understand this' to 'I despise this! It's stupid!'

True, this variety in all the sciences. I love physics for it's mathematics, but I'm sure there's plenty of room for non-math in it. Biology, well, I don't know if I could ever do something with that. Plants are cool, but I don't want to know about the plasmodesmata or the sclerenchyma and collenchyma. Unless, of course, you're letting me know how they work on a molecular level. Like viagra and NO synthetase. Now that's cool stuff.

Maybe it's just a matter of different strokes for different folks. I like the basics. The fundamentals. The little things that make life work. Go back to energy, work your way to matter, and soon enough you'll come to us. That's just cool.

And now I'm going to leave the original point of this post [discussing how o chem really is math] for a different post.

I hope you enjoyed this Ode to Chemistry. Maybe I'm rationalizing now that I've picked my major. But isn't that what most of life is? Rationalizing to reassure ourselves that we made the right decisions in an uncertain world.

Thank God we're so good at it.

When thoughts get in the way of reality... And why perfectionism never cuts it...

It's so easy to say, "I'd be great at X if I only did it." In fact, it's probably one of the easiest things in the world to say. And yet it must be one of THE most disempowering phrases ever to leave the lips of a human being. And yet, I know at least of myself, it's one of the most commonly uttered [usually mentally].

A close relative to this phrase is its twin, "I'd be great at X if I only had the TIME to do it!" I'd say this is probably just about the second most uttered phrase I use. Coupled with ideas about having more energy, more money, more materials, etc. But TIME, that's one thing that I can get more of.

Something that I in fact have more of now. And surprisingly, I haven't gotten much further along than I had previous to having all this time. I have all the time in the world. 24 hours. From dawn until dusk. Nothing scheduled. Nothing I 'have' to do. No obligations to anything or anyone. And yet why don't I get all those things done [and not only done, but done well] that I otherwise would have gotten done had I just had the TIME?

Funny how that works. All I want is time until I have it. And then I waste it away. I've wasted a good part of this break [exaggeration alert: I've only had three days of break so far, and saying I've wasted them means that I've gone through them doing things that I want to do but feeling more or less like crap]. I haven't gotten any of the things done that I know for certain I could get done, if I only had the time.

Things like get back into exercise. Well, I didn't have time last week to exercise. If I had only had the time, I would have done it! But now I do have the time. And the extent of my exercise over the past three days has been a set of squats and push-ups.

Or meditation: I fell off the cushion a bit last week, with all the late nights and early mornings. But with time, certainly I could find a way to meditate. I meditated last night. That's it. I didn't meditate this morning. I haven't meditated any of the times that I might otherwise have.

The list obviously goes on and on. Little things and big things. I have an interesting vCast idea. I didn't have the time to do it today. Besides, I know that if I do it, it will be amazing.

But no, I know that if I do it, the vCast won't turn out anywhere near as well as it did in my head. In my dreams. In fact, the difference between the two will be the difference between night and day. And that's actually why I don't do it. That's actually why I don't do any of the things that I might otherwise do if I just "had more time." I don't need more time, I need to accept that success is 95% failure.

That's the link between all the "if only's" I've listed so far. I'm afraid to admit that I'm not exactly in very good shape. So, if I just keep putting that off until I have the time, I'll never have the proof that I'm not in good physical shape. And if I don't have the proof, who can prove me wrong? I KNOW that I could do a great job on all the homework I have to do this break. But maybe it'll take longer than I'd like. And maybe I'll have to put a bit more work into it than I'd like. But I won't have to admit that until I actually start the work. Until then, I can live in my fantasy land where all homework is easy and I get it done without any sort of sweat.

It seems to me that procrastination [the bane of every college students existence] is just this little thought of, "Oh, how well I would do that, if I only did it!" writ large. Of course you could do it well if you only did it. You wouldn't be in college otherwise. But that doesn't mean you don't have to DO IT! Until we reach the point that thoughts manifest directly into reality, you still have to do The Work.

I'm afraid, then. I'm afraid that this break stands to be a giant continuation of this trend of not accepting reality. Not daring to face reality out of fear that I'll come up short. Of course I'll come up short! If I didn't, then I must have lost my ability to dream. If I constantly show up to reality the way I imagine I should, then I most certainly need to improve upon my vision. Because vision matching reality is mediocrity.

But that has yet to happen. I have yet gotten to the point that I can manifest everything in action that I think of in my mind. And that's a blessing. It's what gets me up in the morning. The hope of progress. So I shouldn't let the false progress of my dreams impede the real progress of my actions. Because our thoughts may in fact make our reality, but not without actions.

The haze has lifted. A bit. More than it usually does. It normally takes me until about a week before the break is done to figure all this stuff out. Over. And over. And over again. Not that much time with only a week of break at hand!

May everyone come to realize that fighting with reality, just because the reality in our head is SO MUCH BETTER, is a losing battle. And that the only way to win is to come to accept reality as it is. Quite real.